How Kink and BDSM Changed the Way I See the World—and Could Change Yours
I have been thinking about writing this article for quite a while, but I didn’t have the time or drive to sit down and write it from the heart. Now, I’m here, sipping my coffee close to midnight, typing these words while listening to a slightly cringe New York–style jazz lounge mix on YouTube to set the mood.
Anyhow, looking back and trying to see where exactly my experimentation with kink started, it’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment. I remember when I started working for a well-known tantric massage agency in London at the age of 22, where I was gradually trained in different massage techniques and methods. One of the offerings was “Tie & Tease.”
I had a session—a four-handed massage—with a fiery redheaded woman, and this was the main theme. Apparently, she was the one who specialised in this type of booking. I had never experienced so much fun and laughter in that kind of setting before, and I was immediately intrigued to learn more.
Maybe that’s where it started. But even my earlier memories, in my late teens, spark some debate, as I seemed to naturally read people well and instinctively understand how to respond, despite being young. For that, I am actually very grateful. Somehow, I didn’t feel the need to label anything—my curiosity led me to explore, learn, and even make mistakes in a natural way.
For me, when it comes to kink and BDSM, one thing comes to mind: open-mindedness. Being open to asking questions, to discovering, to learning, and ultimately to understanding—without judgment—your own sexuality or specific dynamics.
Perhaps this is why I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole and embark on a journey to find answers.
Many people are often hesitant when it comes to kink and BDSM. They assume it must involve some sort of physical pain and immediately dismiss it without trying or understanding that it is far more diverse than that. In fact, most of the time, it’s not about pain. Of course, certain elements can exist, but often it’s about exploration—about pushing oneself to see the world from a different perspective, to communicate, to trust, and ultimately to let go. It’s about allowing yourself to completely switch off from the outside world.
In fact, when I first stepped into this world, it was the first time I experienced boundaries, limits, and safe words being discussed and prioritised before anything else. Over the years, I have come to see that this is probably one of the safest communities when it comes to sexual exploration.
Some may doubt that, but I often say that when you look beneath the surface—when you go “underground”—you experience humanity in its most profound form: raw and honest.
After all, in society, most of us play a role. As William Shakespeare famously wrote:
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.”
Over the years, I have met many people who arrived feeling nervous or hesitant, only to leave transformed—or at the very least, having escaped and truly been who they wanted to be. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is priceless.
For general understanding, BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. These elements reflect different types of power exchange and sensation play.
Kink, on the other hand, usually refers to sexual practices that are non-conventional or outside mainstream norms. As for fetishes, this is something I will explore in another article, as I see them as quite distinct from kink or BDSM.
One thing is certain: most of us have some form of kink, even if we don’t realise it. Sexuality is a very complex and psychological subject—see sexology—and is often overlooked, even though it is always present and very much a part of who we are. It influences how and why we behave in certain ways, not to mention the impact it has on both our personal and professional decision-making.
Many of us turn to kink or BDSM as a way to step away from our “normal” lives and find inspiration, adventure, or perhaps even answers to unconscious thoughts. The possibilities are endless—no two encounters are ever the same.
Just imagine how beneficial that is for the brain: continuously experiencing something new. Not to mention what happens in the body—the release of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins, all of which contribute to overall well-being.
What many people misunderstand is that these dynamics are not about weakness or control in the way we often define it in everyday life.
A Dominant is not simply someone who “takes” power, but someone who is entrusted with it—someone who leads with awareness, responsibility, and care. Equally, a submissive is not someone lacking strength, but someone who consciously chooses to surrender, to trust, and to feel.
From the outside, it can be easy to reduce these roles to stereotypes, but the reality is far more nuanced. These dynamics are built on communication, mutual respect, and a deep understanding of one another’s needs and boundaries. In many ways, they reflect a heightened form of connection—one where both individuals are fully present in their roles.
Perhaps that is why, for so many, kink and BDSM are not about escape alone, but about rediscovery—of trust, of sensation, and of parts of ourselves we were never taught to explore, yet somehow always knew were there.